Tag: domestic violence

 

I attended a Mary Kay zoom discussion featuring levels of support the organization provides to the Domestic Violence Campaign. A guest speaker shared her personal experience with domestic violence, and how the Mary Kay sisterhood assisted by relocating her from dangerous living. It was a powerful, tear-jerking, candid reenactment of the ugly face of domestic violence. Although she and her children did not suffer physical abuse, the damage to her self-esteem was severe. My heart ached as memories of domestic violence resurfaced.

I too am a survivor of domestic violence and would like to share 3 things that I was reminded of during the discussion:

• Domestic violence isn’t only about physical assault. It’s the manipulation, destruction of self-esteem and character that do more damage than the physical assault. Narcissistic behaviors reduce the victim from being the most beautiful, smart, and powerful person in the world; to being ugly, dumb, and weak. Sadly, in the mind of many abusers, the victim is complete, and they are not. Therefore, their jealousy turns the victim from a beloved source of enjoyment to an enemy. The characteristics that attracted them to the victim, become the characteristics they try to emulate; but when their emulation efforts are unsuccessful, they attack and destroy the victim.

 

• Domestic violence abusers have a cycle. The abuser epitomizes Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Going from nice to nasty, supportive to discouraging, complimenting to criticizing, engaging to distant, aroused sexually to uninterested, and lovingly to violent. Not an occasional fight type of violence, but sadistic violence of social isolation, forced sleep deprivation, never-ending verbal lashings, and unprovoked beatings. It starts with the honeymoon phase of good times, then verbal attacks and dismay, and then a vicious physical assault. Back to the honeymoon with fake guilt, apologies, and promises of recommitted love. Once the cycle starts there is no going back to Dr. Jekyll, and each spin through the cycle is worse than the last. Because once Mr. Hyde appears there’s no concealing him again. And the victim must decide to leave the relationship or stay in a vicious cycle of abuse that could lead to death.

 

• Never confront a domestic violence victim. For safety reasons, the victim is trying to hide the abuse. If you want to help a victim, send subliminal messages. Remind them of how beautiful and powerful they are. And say things like, “If you ever need anything, let me know because I am here for you.” As a survivor, I can tell you firsthand they are embarrassed, ashamed, and fearful for their life. Weakened by the abuser, they must gain inner strength and become mentally prepared to leave. They’ve been manipulated, character assassinated, and many times beat. Therefore, not able to withstand a fight, harsh words, or lectures of their incompetence from anyone. So be careful in your approach.

But if they confide in you educate and devise a plan. Learn the local laws concerning domestic violence, locate the closet shelter, and prepare a safe place for relocation. Walking away from their abuser will be the scariest thing the victim has ever done, and fearfully hiding will be the next. Keep in mind that relocation will have to be a swift move and there is a threat of imminent danger to the victim and you.

In conclusion, Domestic violence is real. I am not trying to discourage anyone from assisting a domestic violence victim, but when getting involved know this is a serious matter. The victim is scared, the abuser is violent, and quick movement is needed. The victim will need resources, counseling, and a loving support system to assist in recovery. But recovery is possible, the proof is the zoom speaker and the fact that I can share this message with you.