If you are retelling a painful story from your childhood, and can reenact every word, move, and scene it bothered you. Not only did it bother you, but you are wounded and possibly haunted by it. And the only way to get over the pain is to stop pretending it does not hurt and find a way to let it go.
Painful events happen and some create memories; but with time you eventually forget many of the events. Sometimes you may forget what lead up to the event, and sometimes what happened after the event. There are times you forget the place, and the people except the main partakers of the event. Because with time you healed, blocked out the event, or simply chose not to relive the event.
Unfortunately, reenactments of a painful event give it new life. Each revisit widens the wound, pierces the heart, and stops healing. Do not misunderstand me pain is part of life; but remembering pain from prior events is a sign of a damaged heart. A heart that needs to be healed.
DISCLAIMER! I AM NOT A LICENSED PSYCHIATRIST. BUT I AM A PERSON WHOSE HAD A WOUNDED HEART.
When coming to terms about the condition of your heart there are a few questions that you must ask yourself.
1) Who hurt you? Why?
- Identifying the source of pain makes you own the fact that you have been hurt. Many people in pain tend to deny the pain which eliminates the possibility for healing. You do not take a pain reliever when you have no headache; you take a pain reliever for the pain.
- Once you identify the source of pain. Ask yourself why it is painful. This will not feel well. But it will identify the root cause of your pain. Uncovering the root of the pain, allows you to examine your feelings. There is an underlying reason why a past event lives in your present. You must connect with the root cause because it must be eliminated by dismissing, confronting, or releasing yourself from the event.
- This may be something that you can do alone, but if not seek expert help. You deserve an end to the hurt.
2) Do you blame yourself for any of the event?
- Not in every case, but sometimes there is a wound because we blame ourselves for our participation in the event. Placing some of the blame on yourself makes it harder heal. No one wants to think they assisted in hurting themselves, but it is an awesome discovery that may help move towards healing. By either realizing that you have placed the blame on yourself incorrectly, or by allowing you to forgive yourself and move on.
3) Was the event ever resolved? And if the resolution pleased you.
- If you have never confronted the issue, the wound may be because of the neglect of having a resolution. Take the appropriate steps to move beyond this issue.
- A misunderstanding or misinterpretation may be resolved with a conversation.
- Blatant offenses should be confronted. Preferably as they happen, but sometimes you are not ready to handle the issue right away. Do not delay any longer. The issue has festered in your heart long enough.
- Then there are times when the issue appeared to be resolved, but you were not pleased with the resolution. Neglecting to confess displeasure has caused a deeper issue of self- inflicted torment. The assistance of a professional may be needed if you are unable to release the issue.
4) Will it help to discuss the event with the participants or is there a chance the discussion would bring about further injury?
- Knowing the person who caused the injury will help determine the way to approach this question. Because if the person is hard to talk too, a liar, or will never accept the fact that they hurt you. Do not waste your time. It is not worth the risk of additional injury.
- But if the person is easy to talk too, you may receive the closure needed by explanation, apology, or acknowledgement of the pain caused.
Personal Encounter
I was an abused child, placed in foster care at 13, and aged out of the system at twenty one. Twenty one because I attended college; had I not attended college I would have aged out at 18. Needless, to say I am no stranger to pain. As an adult I decided to reconnect with my biological mother who caused some childhood pain. One day we were talking, and I began to share with her a painful memory that she caused. Listening to my story, her face went from shocked, to confused, and finally pain.
It was obvious to me that she did not recall this horrible event that I was bringing to her attention. I began to get angry because I could not believe she could forget such a heinous act. And then it dawned on me, that she was an addict back then and confronting my pain was bringing her to a place of pain in her sober state. Creating two wounded hearts instead of one. Ashamed of myself, I sat in silence, composed myself, and from that moment on never mentioned any of the events to her again.
Realizing that although she hurt me; she somehow was able to forget but I did not. And no matter how true, valid, or traumatic the event; I had to let it go. Not for her but for me. All the years of carrying the painful memories had accomplished me nothing. Carrying a burden placed on me by someone who did not even recall the event. And my one attempt to voice my pain was interrupted by her lack of recall of the event.
It was time for me to forgive her and let the memories go. I did not have to deny the validity nor pretend that it did not hurt me. But reliving the event was preventing me from moving beyond it. Wounds are a sign of fresh injury. But wounds should eventually turn into scars, and scars are a sign of healing. The first step is to stop pretending it does not hurt and then you can heal.
