Stop Pretending It Does Not Hurt
If you are retelling a painful story from your childhood, and can reenact every word, move, and scene it bothered you. Not only did it bother you, but you are wounded and possibly haunted by it. And the only way to get over the pain is to stop pretending it does not hurt and find a way to let it go.
Painful events happen and some create memories; but with time you eventually forget many of the events. Sometimes you may forget what lead up to the event, and sometimes what happened after the event. There are times you forget the place, and the people except the main partakers of the event. Because with time you healed, blocked out the event, or simply chose not to relive the event.
Unfortunately, reenactments of a painful event give it new life. Each revisit widens the wound, pierces the heart, and stops healing. Do not misunderstand me pain is part of life; but remembering pain from prior events is a sign of a damaged heart. A heart that needs to be healed.
DISCLAIMER! I AM NOT A LICENSED PSYCHIATRIST. BUT I AM A PERSON WHOSE HAD A WOUNDED HEART.
When coming to terms about the condition of your heart there are a few questions that you must ask yourself.
1) Who hurt you? Why?
- Identifying the source of pain makes you own the fact that you have been hurt. Many people in pain tend to deny the pain which eliminates the possibility for healing. You do not take a pain reliever when you have no headache; you take a pain reliever for the pain.
- Once you identify the source of pain. Ask yourself why it is painful. This will not feel well. But it will identify the root cause of your pain. Uncovering the root of the pain, allows you to examine your feelings. There is an underlying reason why a past event lives in your present. You must connect with the root cause because it must be eliminated by dismissing, confronting, or releasing yourself from the event.
- This may be something that you can do alone, but if not seek expert help. You deserve an end to the hurt.
2) Do you blame yourself for any of the event?
- Not in every case, but sometimes there is a wound because we blame ourselves for our participation in the event. Placing some of the blame on yourself makes it harder heal. No one wants to think they assisted in hurting themselves, but it is an awesome discovery that may help move towards healing. By either realizing that you have placed the blame on yourself incorrectly, or by allowing you to forgive yourself and move on.
3) Was the event ever resolved? And if the resolution pleased you.
- If you have never confronted the issue, the wound may be because of the neglect of having a resolution. Take the appropriate steps to move beyond this issue.
- A misunderstanding or misinterpretation may be resolved with a conversation.
- Blatant offenses should be confronted. Preferably as they happen, but sometimes you are not ready to handle the issue right away. Do not delay any longer. The issue has festered in your heart long enough.
- Then there are times when the issue appeared to be resolved, but you were not pleased with the resolution. Neglecting to confess displeasure has caused a deeper issue of self- inflicted torment. The assistance of a professional may be needed if you are unable to release the issue.
4) Will it help to discuss the event with the participants or is there a chance the discussion would bring about further injury?
- Knowing the person who caused the injury will help determine the way to approach this question. Because if the person is hard to talk too, a liar, or will never accept the fact that they hurt you. Do not waste your time. It is not worth the risk of additional injury.
- But if the person is easy to talk too, you may receive the closure needed by explanation, apology, or acknowledgement of the pain caused.
Personal Encounter
I was an abused child, placed in foster care at 13, and aged out of the system at twenty one. Twenty one because I attended college; had I not attended college I would have aged out at 18. Needless, to say I am no stranger to pain. As an adult I decided to reconnect with my biological mother who caused some childhood pain. One day we were talking, and I began to share with her a painful memory that she caused. Listening to my story, her face went from shocked, to confused, and finally pain.
It was obvious to me that she did not recall this horrible event that I was bringing to her attention. I began to get angry because I could not believe she could forget such a heinous act. And then it dawned on me, that she was an addict back then and confronting my pain was bringing her to a place of pain in her sober state. Creating two wounded hearts instead of one. Ashamed of myself, I sat in silence, composed myself, and from that moment on never mentioned any of the events to her again.
Realizing that although she hurt me; she somehow was able to forget but I did not. And no matter how true, valid, or traumatic the event; I had to let it go. Not for her but for me. All the years of carrying the painful memories had accomplished me nothing. Carrying a burden placed on me by someone who did not even recall the event. And my one attempt to voice my pain was interrupted by her lack of recall of the event.
It was time for me to forgive her and let the memories go. I did not have to deny the validity nor pretend that it did not hurt me. But reliving the event was preventing me from moving beyond it. Wounds are a sign of fresh injury. But wounds should eventually turn into scars, and scars are a sign of healing. The first step is to stop pretending it does not hurt and then you can heal.
Unfortunately, Some Employees Must Be Monitored
I admit that I do not like to be micromanaged at work. Desiring clear, direct, and correct instructions; with the opportunity to be left alone to complete the task. But working in Corporate America has proven to me there are employees that must be monitored. An offense, infraction, or some type of gross negligence of policies creates rules. Abused rules cause stiffer rules, micromanaging, disciplinary actions, and terminations.
Although it is true that everyone does not require monitoring. A few undisciplined folks can create restricted environments. There is one set of policies and when they change; they change for offenders and non-offenders alike. Rule followers and rule breakers share the same workplace and the same penalties for abuse of policy.
Examples of infractions that result in restrictions for all employees:
- FMLA (Federal Medical Leave Act) this is a policy that allows workers to care for themselves and family members without worrying about penalty or fear of losing their employment. Negligence in the form of abusers sharing photos on social media labeled on vacation. Employees being photographed on amusement park rides while out of work for back problems. Infractions of receiving FMLA benefits from full time job but working the part-time job. Resulting in extensive explanations from a licensed physician to be approved for leave. Accompanied by a review board to set the amount of leave time, and requiring return visits to the physician’s office for documented updates on progress. Along with calls from the employer to the employee for random check-ins. All because some employees must be monitored.
- Bereavement is a policy to receive paid leave to attend the funeral of family members. Bereavement is a privilege not a law. Paying death benefits to people attending funeral for non-family members; or members of the family not covered by the policy has resulted in required documentation. Obituaries or other forms of proof must be supplied when returning to work. Requesting to be paid for non- family members is costly to the company, inconsiderate to coworkers, and could result in removal of the policy.
- There are employees that call out sick during major Holidays and prime vacation weeks. Therefore, Management takes into consideration the call outs when deciding the number of allotted shifts. Offices that are required to open during these times need adequate staffing to fulfill the obligations of the customers. So allotted slots are reduced to make up for the estimated no shows.
- Call Centers have a telephone bill and monitoring systems. When call observations provide evidence of employees on personal calls instead of assisting
customers, this becomes problem. The company is paying the employee for a service that is not provided. Other employees are bombarded with calls, there are unanswered calls, and there are dropped calls because of extensive hold times. This cost the company money and can cost the employee their job. - There are excessive behaviors of employees that restrict the environment. Lengthy smoke and bathroom breaks. Logging into work and immediately going to the break room to prepare meals cut into productivity. Work starts at the beginning of scheduled shifts. Meals at your desk are privileges. Keep the privilege by preparing it before your shift. But misuse cause elimination of privilege; and alternate methods of clocking in and out every time the desk is departed. Forcing Team Leads and Management to check empty desk to make sure the employee is logged out.
- Improper use of company vehicles and supplies not allowed. The company vehicle should only have permissible passengers and not used for personal errands. And do not use company supplies to start a personal business. Computers, fax machines, paper, pens, etc. removed from the company is illegal and can result in termination and possible imprisonment.
These are a few examples of infractions that have caused employees to be suffer strict work environments. The irony is that Team Leads and Management get the blame. 
Truth be told, they are not interested in monitoring employees; monitoring is additional work for them. Employees have required the monitoring by not controlling themselves with the privileges provided. And it is not Team Leads and Management that notice, it is coworkers that get tired of covering the slackness of others. They bring it to the attention of those in charge, and it then must be addressed. My Lorrieism is, “There are places for people that need constant monitoring… jails and asylums.” Freedom is not something everyone can handle. As an employee one should ask themselves; “If I was a Team Lead, Manager, or owner of a company would I want me as an employee.” If the answer is no, apply self-control and discipline in areas that would change the answer to yes. And if the answer is yes, continue to be a great example for others to model themselves.
“If You Do Not Want Me; Let Me Go” Is Admittance of Abuse
“If you don’t want me; let me go.” This is a term used in abusive relationships. It states that the abused feels powerless and unable to walk away from the abuser. Therefore, pleading for the abuser to spare them the agony of facing their own personal demise by leaving them. Allowing the abused to emotionally detach themselves from their role of enabling their own abuse (by actively participating in a dead-end relationship). They become the abandoned love one instead of the person seeking love from someone who refused to love them properly. But often the plea falls on deaf ears. Why?
- The abused is a benefit to the abuser. The abused is a source of stability, moral, and financial support. Because the abused is generally a good person, have a good heart, good intentions towards the abuser, faithful, loyal, and entered the relationship showing and hoping to receive love. Before the abuser arrived, the abused focused on themselves and strived towards personal goals. This drive to succeed is what attracted the abuser. You see, the abused is not the problem. The problem is the abuser. The abuser is not worthy of what the abused add to their life. Truth be told, the abuser is happy! Masked by compliments and gifts (that quickly end) the abuser weaseled their way into the heart of the abused. They deceitfully manipulated the abused to upgrade themselves. Gaining status, wealth, and material goods from the hands of the abused.
- The abused is manipulated into pledging to never leave. Abusers often make themselves the victim. Sob stories about family and past relationships lure the abused into vowing to never leave the abuser. But in reality the abuser is manipulative, self-satisfying, express degrading behaviors, and people leave them to save themselves. When the mask has been removed. Now, the abused realize the vow to never leave a person that only intends to destroy them is a mistake. Lured into accepting abuse for the sake of honoring their pledge. Trapped in a vicious cycle of being abused while trying effortlessly to prove they are worthy of love. Staying in a relationship that will destroy the very essence of them.
- The abused is used and discarded. The abuser no longer uses manipulation but full abuse. Masterfully stripping away the abused confidence, self-awareness, self-care, and self-esteem. Shifting the abused attention from themselves to the abuser. The abuser no longer hides their true intent, their lack of respect, and their contempt towards the abused. Once the abused is a shell of their former selves, the abuser admits no attraction or care for the diminished version of the person they created. But will torture and torment for the sheer pleasure of it. Only to declare GAME OVER and discard the abused for a new victim. So, the abuser will let eventually let you go; but not until they render you useless for their purposes.
There is good news! If you do not want me; let me go statements can be prevented. Abusers hate independence, inner strength, and strong qualities therefore never release these qualities. Do not allow an abuser to isolate you from friends and family or destroy your independence. Establish clear boundaries, and once the boundaries are disrespected end the relationship. Never make vows to never leave a relationship; but express a desire to stay acknowledging ties can be severed by ill willed actions and deeds. Remain true to yourself while being a good partner in a relationship. No one should ever be expected to lose themselves in a relationship; a healthy relationship helps discover new levels of you. A good partner accepts your difference and encourages your growth. Recognizes that combining their strength with your strength the two becomes a power couple.
Never ignore the red flags. Does the words and character of the person match? If you meet a person with no personal relationships, family, friends, or coworkers that can vouch for their character; it is probably because no one wants to be around them. Abusers can only hide their true feelings for a short time. They may avoid being around you on a consistent basis for fear of exposure. Allow the relationship time to develop and expose personality flaws. Abuse is real and destructive. Watch out for the wolves in sheep clothing! Do not become fascinated with the thought of love to the point of being manipulated into abuse. You are worthy of real love! Be careful and take care of you. And once you feel like saying “If you do not want me; let me go.” LEAVE!
Lorrieism Quote
