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Stop Saying Things in Anger That You Do Not Mean

A conversation can quickly go from bad to worse. At the onset of a confrontation stop talking, refocus on the topic, and if the conversation continues resume with mindful words. Confrontation is part of life, but angry outbursts are unacceptable. They are destructive words that can ruin relationships. The best way to deal with angry outbursts is to avoid them. Three ways to avoid angry outbursts are to recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat.

  1. Recognize your triggers: There are words, body language, and tones that quickly escalate a conversation from calm to confrontational to an angry outburst. Do not allow this to happen by controlling the tone and preparing for an escape if the conversation escalates. If the person you are speaking with becomes agitated remain focused on the task. Do not be lured into an angry outburst because it becomes a war of words rather than a meaningful conversation.
  2. Confront lovingly: Before conversing think of how you would feel if the subject matter were presented to you. If it is a conversation with highly sensitive content be extremely selective with words. Avoid placing blame, offensive words, and the use of false content. Sensitive issues can be resolved without an angry outburst when handled with care.

  3. Retreat: When the conversation shifts from confrontational to angry outburst there is no need to continue. If possible, state that the conversation is out of control and suggest walking away. But if you are engrossed in the outbursts deescalate the situation by becoming quiet. If the other participant continues with outbursts remove yourself. Apologize if you must but leave. After calming down think of a positive way to continue the conversation or accept there is no resolution. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best resolve.

The penalties of angry outbursts:

  1. Angry words released from your mouth cannot be retracted. They receive energy from hidden places in the heart where pain, deceit, and misconceptions await the opportunity to display themselves. Control yourself when the conversation shifts to confrontational and prevent the irrevocable angry outburst.
  2. Angry words can cause permanent damage to relationships. It does not matter who starts the mud-slinging the words are damaging. The words are hurtful and often intentional. Recovery is possible but both parties will have to own their words and apologize. Time can heal the relationship, but only when there are no repeated outbursts.
  3. An uncontrolled mind has ways of retrieving painful thoughts. A song, place, or feeling can replay the scene and delay healing. When healing from an angry outburst do not ponder on the event by replacing the bad memories with good.
  4. After an angry outburst one’s character can become tainted. It is one thing to think of someone’s potential to tongue-lash but another thing to be on the receiving end of the tongue-lashing. Even when both parties contribute each seems to devalue the other. It is human nature to look past personal flaws while focusing on the flaws of others but continuing in good character can diminish the tainted opinion.

In conclusion, stop saying things in anger that you do not mean. It damages relationships, alters how the person feels about you, and the words can never be retracted. The best thing to do is recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat. Although confrontation is inevitable consider the costs and exclude any conversation unlikely to be resolved.

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Lessons from My Ex-Mother- in- Law

 

As we are approaching Mother’s Day, I would like to give a warm heartfelt THANK YOU to my ex-mother-in-law. Our bond was so strong that she introduced me as her friend. And if someone asked if I were here daughter-in-law she responded, “Yes, she is that too.” Priceless! One of the things I respected most about her was the advice provided to me and her son was from a pure heart. Honestly, I think I relied on and trusted her advice more than he. So, in honor of my ex- mother- in- law I would like to share four lessons learned.

4 Lessons from My Ex-Mother-in-Law

  • When giving advice, she always remembered her roles a woman, mother, and wife. She would often start her sentence with, “I am a woman and I know how it feels when _______.” The statement alone comforted me and eased any resistance to her words, because the woman in her identified with the heart of me.
    • She also tried to explain the female perspective to her son. Advising her son that and upset and arguing woman meant she still cared. But if a woman ever stopped being upset and arguing then was time to be concerned.
    • She also warned her son that being his mother would not make her instantly agree with him and many times she did not.
    • Being a wife made it easy for her to give honest advice concerning marriage issues. And being divorced made her a seeker of reconciliation if possible.
  1. Her advice was not one-sided. Instead of picking sides she took the mediator approach and shared personal examples from her own life. Bringing clarity to both of us with her wealth of knowledge and sometimes shocking honesty.
    • When speaking to me, she spoke from the heart of a mother. The knowledge of her son’s childhood behaviors, family values, and simply knowing her son made her insightful. She was able to connect the dots from a knowledge base that I did not experience with him.
    • When speaking to her son, she spoke from the heart of a wife. Expressing how she would feel if presented with the same scenario. Causing him to reflect on how he would like his mother and sister to be received by men.
  1. Offering financial assistance in times of crisis was her way of eliminating money problems for us as a young couple. With impeccable credit and financial discipline, she was a source of support.
    • What I loved most about her support is she left me out of it. My ex-husband was considered the borrower. If I helped him pay it back it was up to me, but she held him fully responsible for repayment. She did not like to talk about the loan in front of me and was not receiving repayment from my hands.
    • Allowing her son to set up a payment plan, but business was business. When he established a payment schedule, she wanted her money. But I do not think she ever accepted full repayment. She received an ample amount of the money back and then released him from the debt.
  1. When our marriage was over, she continued to extend her friendship and wished me well. This act touched me the most. Knowing that she had great influence in my life, she accepted the finality of my marriage to her son without interference. There was sadness as she knew the ending of the marriage would affect our relationship as well. But the woman in her rose to the occasion as she expressed more wisdom. Explaining to me that the pain of a lost marriage is great in the beginning, but in time the pain would lessen. She encouraged me to not give up on love, and once healed to try again.

There were many lessons learned from my ex-mother-in-law, and this would become a novel if I told them all. In a world where many mother/ daughter- in-law relationships are strained; I have to say that I had an awesome mother-in-law. In honor of Mother’s Day, I would like to take this moment to say AMAE I continue to love and miss you dearly.

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Stop Pretending It Does Not Hurt

If you are retelling a painful story from your childhood, and can reenact every word, move, and scene it bothered you. Not only did it bother you, but you are wounded and possibly haunted by it. And the only way to get over the pain is to stop pretending it does not hurt and find a way to let it go.

Painful events happen and some create memories; but with time you eventually forget many of the events. Sometimes you may forget what lead up to the event, and sometimes what happened after the event. There are times you forget the place, and the people except the main partakers of the event. Because with time you healed, blocked out the event, or simply chose not to relive the event.

Unfortunately, reenactments of a painful event give it new life. Each revisit widens the wound, pierces the heart, and stops healing. Do not misunderstand me pain is part of life; but remembering pain from prior events is a sign of a damaged heart. A heart that needs to be healed.

DISCLAIMER! I AM NOT A LICENSED PSYCHIATRIST. BUT I AM A PERSON WHOSE HAD A WOUNDED HEART.

When coming to terms about the condition of your heart there are a few questions that you must ask yourself.

1) Who hurt you? Why?

  • Identifying the source of pain makes you own the fact that you have been hurt. Many people in pain tend to deny the pain which eliminates the possibility for healing. You do not take a pain reliever when you have no headache; you take a pain reliever for the pain.
  • Once you identify the source of pain. Ask yourself why it is painful. This will not feel well. But it will identify the root cause of your pain. Uncovering the root of the pain, allows you to examine your feelings. There is an underlying reason why a past event lives in your present. You must connect with the root cause because it must be eliminated by dismissing, confronting, or releasing yourself from the event.
  • This may be something that you can do alone, but if not seek expert help. You deserve an end to the hurt. 

2) Do you blame yourself for any of the event?

  • Not in every case, but sometimes there is a wound because we blame ourselves for our participation in the event. Placing some of the blame on yourself makes it harder heal. No one wants to think they assisted in hurting themselves, but it is an awesome discovery that may help move towards healing. By either realizing that you have placed the blame on yourself incorrectly, or by allowing you to forgive yourself and move on.

3) Was the event ever resolved? And if the resolution pleased you.

  • If you have never confronted the issue, the wound may be because of the neglect of having a resolution. Take the appropriate steps to move beyond this issue.
  • A misunderstanding or misinterpretation may be resolved with a conversation.
  • Blatant offenses should be confronted. Preferably as they happen, but sometimes you are not ready to handle the issue right away. Do not delay any longer. The issue has festered in your heart long enough.
  • Then there are times when the issue appeared to be resolved, but you were not pleased with the resolution. Neglecting to confess displeasure has caused a deeper issue of self- inflicted torment. The assistance of a professional may be needed if you are unable to release the issue.

4) Will it help to discuss the event with the participants or is there a chance the discussion would bring about further injury?

  • Knowing the person who caused the injury will help determine the way to approach this question. Because if the person is hard to talk too, a liar, or will never accept the fact that they hurt you. Do not waste your time. It is not worth the risk of additional injury.
  • But if the person is easy to talk too, you may receive the closure needed by explanation, apology, or acknowledgement of the pain caused.

 Personal Encounter

I was an abused child, placed in foster care at 13, and aged out of the system at twenty one. Twenty one because I attended college; had I not attended college I would have aged out at 18. Needless, to say I am no stranger to pain. As an adult I decided to reconnect with my biological mother who caused some childhood pain. One day we were talking, and I began to share with her a painful memory that she caused. Listening to my story, her face went from shocked, to confused, and finally pain.

It was obvious to me that she did not recall this horrible event that I was bringing to her attention. I began to get angry because I could not believe she could forget such a heinous act. And then it dawned on me, that she was an addict back then and confronting my pain was bringing her to a place of pain in her sober state. Creating two wounded hearts instead of one. Ashamed of myself, I sat in silence, composed myself, and from that moment on never mentioned any of the events to her again.

Realizing that although she hurt me; she somehow was able to forget but I did not. And no matter how true, valid, or traumatic the event; I had to let it go. Not for her but for me.  All the years of carrying the painful memories had accomplished me nothing. Carrying a burden placed on me by someone who did not even recall the event. And my one attempt to voice my pain was interrupted by her lack of recall of the event.

It was time for me to forgive her and let the memories go. I did not have to deny the validity nor pretend that it did not hurt me. But reliving the event was preventing me from moving beyond it. Wounds are a sign of fresh injury. But wounds should eventually turn into scars, and scars are a sign of healing. The first step is to stop pretending it does not hurt and then you can heal.

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