Home Page

Posted on

Stop Saying Things in Anger That You Do Not Mean

A conversation can quickly go from bad to worse. At the onset of a confrontation stop talking, refocus on the topic, and if the conversation continues resume with mindful words. Confrontation is part of life, but angry outbursts are unacceptable. They are destructive words that can ruin relationships. The best way to deal with angry outbursts is to avoid them. Three ways to avoid angry outbursts are to recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat.

  1. Recognize your triggers: There are words, body language, and tones that quickly escalate a conversation from calm to confrontational to an angry outburst. Do not allow this to happen by controlling the tone and preparing for an escape if the conversation escalates. If the person you are speaking with becomes agitated remain focused on the task. Do not be lured into an angry outburst because it becomes a war of words rather than a meaningful conversation.
  2. Confront lovingly: Before conversing think of how you would feel if the subject matter were presented to you. If it is a conversation with highly sensitive content be extremely selective with words. Avoid placing blame, offensive words, and the use of false content. Sensitive issues can be resolved without an angry outburst when handled with care.

  3. Retreat: When the conversation shifts from confrontational to angry outburst there is no need to continue. If possible, state that the conversation is out of control and suggest walking away. But if you are engrossed in the outbursts deescalate the situation by becoming quiet. If the other participant continues with outbursts remove yourself. Apologize if you must but leave. After calming down think of a positive way to continue the conversation or accept there is no resolution. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best resolve.

The penalties of angry outbursts:

  1. Angry words released from your mouth cannot be retracted. They receive energy from hidden places in the heart where pain, deceit, and misconceptions await the opportunity to display themselves. Control yourself when the conversation shifts to confrontational and prevent the irrevocable angry outburst.
  2. Angry words can cause permanent damage to relationships. It does not matter who starts the mud-slinging the words are damaging. The words are hurtful and often intentional. Recovery is possible but both parties will have to own their words and apologize. Time can heal the relationship, but only when there are no repeated outbursts.
  3. An uncontrolled mind has ways of retrieving painful thoughts. A song, place, or feeling can replay the scene and delay healing. When healing from an angry outburst do not ponder on the event by replacing the bad memories with good.
  4. After an angry outburst one’s character can become tainted. It is one thing to think of someone’s potential to tongue-lash but another thing to be on the receiving end of the tongue-lashing. Even when both parties contribute each seems to devalue the other. It is human nature to look past personal flaws while focusing on the flaws of others but continuing in good character can diminish the tainted opinion.

In conclusion, stop saying things in anger that you do not mean. It damages relationships, alters how the person feels about you, and the words can never be retracted. The best thing to do is recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat. Although confrontation is inevitable consider the costs and exclude any conversation unlikely to be resolved.

Posted on

Lessons from My Ex-Mother- in- Law

 

As we are approaching Mother’s Day, I would like to give a warm heartfelt THANK YOU to my ex-mother-in-law. Our bond was so strong that she introduced me as her friend. And if someone asked if I were here daughter-in-law she responded, “Yes, she is that too.” Priceless! One of the things I respected most about her was the advice provided to me and her son was from a pure heart. Honestly, I think I relied on and trusted her advice more than he. So, in honor of my ex- mother- in- law I would like to share four lessons learned.

4 Lessons from My Ex-Mother-in-Law

  • When giving advice, she always remembered her roles a woman, mother, and wife. She would often start her sentence with, “I am a woman and I know how it feels when _______.” The statement alone comforted me and eased any resistance to her words, because the woman in her identified with the heart of me.
    • She also tried to explain the female perspective to her son. Advising her son that and upset and arguing woman meant she still cared. But if a woman ever stopped being upset and arguing then was time to be concerned.
    • She also warned her son that being his mother would not make her instantly agree with him and many times she did not.
    • Being a wife made it easy for her to give honest advice concerning marriage issues. And being divorced made her a seeker of reconciliation if possible.
  1. Her advice was not one-sided. Instead of picking sides she took the mediator approach and shared personal examples from her own life. Bringing clarity to both of us with her wealth of knowledge and sometimes shocking honesty.
    • When speaking to me, she spoke from the heart of a mother. The knowledge of her son’s childhood behaviors, family values, and simply knowing her son made her insightful. She was able to connect the dots from a knowledge base that I did not experience with him.
    • When speaking to her son, she spoke from the heart of a wife. Expressing how she would feel if presented with the same scenario. Causing him to reflect on how he would like his mother and sister to be received by men.
  1. Offering financial assistance in times of crisis was her way of eliminating money problems for us as a young couple. With impeccable credit and financial discipline, she was a source of support.
    • What I loved most about her support is she left me out of it. My ex-husband was considered the borrower. If I helped him pay it back it was up to me, but she held him fully responsible for repayment. She did not like to talk about the loan in front of me and was not receiving repayment from my hands.
    • Allowing her son to set up a payment plan, but business was business. When he established a payment schedule, she wanted her money. But I do not think she ever accepted full repayment. She received an ample amount of the money back and then released him from the debt.
  1. When our marriage was over, she continued to extend her friendship and wished me well. This act touched me the most. Knowing that she had great influence in my life, she accepted the finality of my marriage to her son without interference. There was sadness as she knew the ending of the marriage would affect our relationship as well. But the woman in her rose to the occasion as she expressed more wisdom. Explaining to me that the pain of a lost marriage is great in the beginning, but in time the pain would lessen. She encouraged me to not give up on love, and once healed to try again.

There were many lessons learned from my ex-mother-in-law, and this would become a novel if I told them all. In a world where many mother/ daughter- in-law relationships are strained; I have to say that I had an awesome mother-in-law. In honor of Mother’s Day, I would like to take this moment to say AMAE I continue to love and miss you dearly.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial