Home Page

Posted on

We Care

Ask anyone that truly knows me, and they will speak of my supporting nature. Back hurting and numb behind, I will sit on a bleacher for a sport, graduation, concert, cheerleading competition, and any other event my presence is requested. I will walk/march, fundraise, and attend a charitable event; let me know and I will be there. At baby showers, birthday parties, and special occasion dinners, I will not only attend the event; but I come early to assist in decorating and leave late to disassemble. I will sit in hospitals or homes when you are sick. When there’s a death in the family, I will be there every day to clean, cook, assist with the flow of visiting traffic, and funeral arrangements if needed. I make myself available to assist others with nothing more than a request for my presence. I do it because I care.

All this to say, I attended an event for someone dear. During the closing remarks the honoree became emotional. A heartfelt expression of gratitude and a disclosure of personal health challenges accompanied with bouts of depression was shared. This person has been extremely supportive to many, and it shocked me to know they have suffered alone. What started as a celebration of life turned into a plea for sustained life. The extremely supportive person expressed the need of care- not financial or medical, but emotional. A caring heart that has willing sacrificed themselves asked for a reciprocation of support and encouragement during a hard season of life. We were moved to tears, showed love, compassion, and pledged our support.

Leaving the event, I began to soul search. I care but assume that others will contact me when I am needed. Obviously not. Now there are those that will call me up and say, “put me on your calendar.” But like myself, there are those who live to serve others and are unwilling to voice their personal need. When you are constantly supporting others, you deceive yourself into thinking there is no one to support you. But that is not the truth! We all are in this together. Supporting, loving, and encouraging each other through good and bad times. It’s up to each person to acknowledge and make a request for their need. And although this sounds good and look good on paper, I will not follow my own advice. Concluding that other diehard supporters will not as well.

Why? I can’t speak for other supporters, but my issue is childhood rejection. I had a miserable childhood. Rejection, poverty, and no concept of self-worth created the supporter in me. I know how it feels to win an award at school and have no family members in the audience. I also know how it feel not to be able to attend the event, receive it in class, and everyone laugh. Because they know your family doesn’t have a car; therefore, you couldn’t make it to the ceremony. I have performed to an audience of strangers, won awards and accolades that my family had no idea existed.  I’ve had no visit hospitalizations and moments where I desired companionship. Long story short, I attend events because I care. But I also attend because I am very familiar with the heartbreak of sharing success, failures, and other memorable moments with a group of strangers or alone. And I know that a million strangers may extend well intended congratulations, compassion, or condolences; but it does not compare to the support of a familiar face.

So, I am not going to wait for a call. I am going to extend a listening ear, assistance, and care to supporters. I will offer a safe environment to be vulnerable. Interrupt their support of others with a request for lunch, dinner, or a walk in the park. Invite them to rest, refresh, and unburden themselves. Supporters (for whatever reason) only know how to give support and are not good at receiving; but I will extend the offer.  So, what’s the takeaway. We must not forget to care for the ones that care for others, because they probably won’t ask.

 

 

 

Posted on

Changing How We View Obedience to Better Equip Our Children

I want to start with a confession: As a parent, I viewed obedience wrong. I took the position that obedience was solely a means to discipline disobedience. As a disciplinary, I didn’t always model the behavior that I demanded of my child. A diehard “do as I say do, not as I do” rule of thumb was followed; but I no longer agree with this method. My toddler thru preschool child heard “You going to learn little momma, and I am going to teach you”. In preteen thru teen, it was “obedience is better than sacrifice”. Ending with the preadult to young adult threat of “same thing make you laugh will make you cry”. All followed by punishment and revoked privileges.  Total failure!

Children often imitate adults and are smarter than we tend to realize. Teaching self-discipline gives our children an incentive for change.  I should have explained the concept of self-discipline as controlling one’s emotions and temptations creating victory. Exploring the advantages of self-discipline as powerful, character building, and provoking more obedience rather rebellion.  Children are not our equals, they should obey, and they may if we teach first and discipline second. (I am patting myself on the back right now. Reformed is she). I jokingly but meaning every word of it state “My generation are the children that the child abuse laws were created for.” Our parents were tough! Women were working, men were no longer the bread winner and supreme household authority, boys were returning from the war as men, and drugs was the feel-good remedy of the day. And one wrong word from a child was cause for an unforgettable whipping (well for the obedient children, but I was disobedient receiving a few lashes as incentive to learn). So, if you grew up in the school of hard knocks this may be a bit intolerable, but please hear me out.

Lorrieism: If we are obedient adults, then we are equipped to model and teach obedience to our children while removing punishment as the greatest denominator. Obedience should be geared towards the rewards of self-discipline; empowering our children to obey rather than rebel. Because self-discipline is a key to a happier life. And it starts with a child obeying their parents. After obedience is established in the home it transitions to grandparents, extended family, neighbors, teachers, and other authoritative figures. We fail our children when we overlook enforcing obedience; as well as telling them that children are to be seen and not heard. Laughing at a toddler’s defiant NO! is laying the foundation for disrespect of parents and all others. This is not to lean back into hard knock life disciplines because there is balance. Allowing children choices has advantages but should be limited to food, clothing, verbal expressions of feelings- things that support their desire for reasoning, logic, and self-awareness. But rebellion to a direct command is not acceptable, and must be dealt with swiftly, using age appropriate, penalty fitting the crime disciplinary actions. (Hard knock lifers take a deep breath I am almost finished).

Rewards of Self-Discipline:

  1. Nurtures the concept of a law-abiding citizen.
    • Recapping a progression of obedience discussed earlier. Child obey parents and it transitions to others. One of the others mentioned were authoritative figures. Let’s take it a step further. A child who learns self-discipline not only obey others but because the foundation of obedience has been laid; they are likely to transition into obeying the law as well. Picture your child as a law-abiding citizen when demonstrating to them that it’s not okay to do whatever you like.
    • Teaching that personal freedom ends when you jeopardize someone else freedom. You can’t say whatever you feel concerning someone else, you can’t treat people, pets, or property unkind and there are enforceable laws applied to these offenses. And self- discipline assists with establishing these extremely important boundaries.
  1. Creates a Propensity to Master Temptation.
    • Once self-discipline is applied to a child’s life, it is highly unlikely that they will be lured into being controlled by anything else. Mastery-of- self, promotes mastery of everything. Developing habits of a disciplined life in other areas.
    • Financial control with spending, saving, and investing.
    • Relationship guide by controlling behavior, temperaments, and treatment of others.
    • Weight by controlling cravings, amounts of food eaten, and food choices.
    • And any other addictive behavior. Addictions fester in those with lack of self-discipline.

Rarely will any of us perfect every area, but as parents we must do our due diligence to lay the foundation and preparation for a good start.  The goal is to provoke thought of diverting teaching obedience from a punishment incentive to a more empowerment incentive. Hoping to promote a less rebellious response by encouraging self-discipline. Embracing a lifestyle of discipline that leads to wiser choices, preventing suffering the consequences of bad choices, and presenting our children with the tools to lead future generations by example. I admit this may be wishful thinking on my part, but I have watched many children and concluded that pass practices are not working. So, the next time your little angel is disobeying, remember all the wonderful opportunities you are allowing them to miss.

 

 

Posted on

Things to Consider Before Asking Someone’s Opinion

 

My Lorrieism about opinions is that an opinion is how a person feels that very moment. Opinions aren’t eternal because they are subject to change. And the same situation may receive a different opinion, depending on the person asking the question. Therefore, I believe opinions should start with a basic premise.  Opinions are based on what the individual believes. The individual may not know anything about the subject matter, facts aren’t a requirement, and the individual may not deal with any consequences that may occur from you following their opinion.

 

But if you insist on an opinion anyway keep in mind a few do’s and don’ts. We will start with the do.

  1. Do try your very best to receive an opinion from someone with knowledge and experience on the subject.  Warning! Some of this is petty, but it’s how I feel.
      •  I do not want weight loss tips from someone larger than me. (I also don’t want them teaching my exercise class.) I need to see that you are practicing what you preach. You can be on a weight loss journey and show me pictures of where you were as proof that you are moving in the right direction. But don’t weigh more than me and offer me an opinion.
      • I do not want hair growth tips from someone whose hair is shorter than mine. Unless they have proof that in their adult life, they had hair. I want to know hair length is a choice for them not a lifestyle. I will accept aging issues and/or health issues as a disclaimer.
      • I do not want child rearing opinions from someone with bad children… self-explanatory.
      • I do not want financial opinions from someone broke…. self-explanatory.
      • I will accept house buying opinions from someone in an apartment while house searching.

My Lorrieism is that knowledge and experience are good qualifiers for good opinions. I want opinions from someone with some skin in the game. Someone who’s been there and done that. Success isn’t a requirement because some of the best lessons happen in our failures. But the knowledge and experience gained can be golden nuggets to assist someone else.

 

2. Do try to receive your opinion from someone who is honest with you.

      • You don’t need to be pacified. You need an open and honest view into a situation that has caused concern or confusion. Choose wisely because there are people in your life that lean from too strict to too lenient and you need to do your due diligence by seeking the correct person.
      • Disqualify all frenemies and peepers. There are times in our lives when we entertain folk that are not supportive but spectators. Leave them out of all opinions concerning your life. Opinions from someone who really don’t care for you is a recipe for disaster. (why you have these people in your life will have to be another discussion).
      • And then there are those that love us, but there’s an underlying competitiveness within them that makes them want to be greater. Leave them out of the opinions as well.  They may love you, but they don’t have the objective opinion needed.

3. Do analyze all opinions before making a final decision.

      •  You ultimately will deal with the consequences of your final decision.
      •    Have a few of your own thoughts in the forefront of your mind before even asking others’ opinions.

And here is the don’t:

  1. Do not ask for an opinion and then manipulate the answer.
    • You are not allowed to ask an opinion and then give the desired reply. That’s manipulation. Manipulation is deceitful and unfair to your listener. At this point, you don’t want an opinion you want a cheering squad, a yes-man, or setting the stage for a shoulder to cry on when or if your decision backfires. And believe it or not that’s okay because it’s your life. But don’t bait someone into thinking you want an opinion and don’t. Simply ask for a non- responsive listening ear; and if you need a long hug after you make your statement, ask.

2.  Do not get angry when someone has a complete opposite opinion.

    • This is a great opportunity for you to view the situation from a different perspective. This is a broadening of your perspective not an attack.
    • If easily offended, please think twice before asking an opinion because there is a chance it will not be the same as yours.
    • My Lorrieism is that I am not polished, overly polite, nor proper and neither are my opinions. I am strong-willed, stubborn, unsympathetic yet compassionate, and so are my opinions.

3. Do not ask the opinion of a controller.

    • There is a controller in every group, every family, and practically every setting. And we need these people, but not necessarily for opinions. Truth be told as a controller they always have one, but their delivery is often horrible. They control the conversation, bend your words until they have controlled the response, and will make it a personal goal to control the outcome. And to your dismay, they may become offended if you don’t execute their opinion to the fullest. (They are worse than me! I may not tell you what you want to hear, but I will not create a hostile environment).

The takeaway here is opinions are as fickle as the person giving it. Consider the information, the source of information, but after careful consideration follow your own heart. Ultimately you live with your decisions.

Posted on

What is Lorrieism?

What is Lorrieism? It is the way I express myself via blogging. I am a survivor of foster care, homelessness, and domestic violence which causes me to view life situations differently. The very aspects of life that could have destroyed me made me strong. I will post blogs, personal quotes, and your questions/comments when provided. So, I encourage you to make comments, because Lorrieisms’ are my perspectives on life, but I am interested in yours as well.

 

 

Posted on

Trust Requires Truth

 

I know a lot of people who start with 0% trust and require their trust to be earned.  I am the opposite which may be the reason why I have trust issues. I start everyone off at 100% trust and it becomes the individual’s responsibility to maintain 100% trust. As a person is exposed as untrustworthy the trust factor dwindles. By the time the person is discovered to be 80% liar and 20% truth; everything that comes out of their mouth is completely ignored. The 80-20 zone is basically reserved for coworkers. By default, I must share space with them but under no circumstance do I have to hold a conversation about anything outside of our job task.  Personal relationship zones are different. By the time, an individual is at 50 liar-50 truth this relationship is in jeopardy of ending (if not already ended). Acquaintances don’t have a zone. They are never formally invited into my personal space; therefore, I am simply responding to non personal questions.  For example: How’s your family?  How’s work?  or similar questions that can be responded too with the proverbial – Fine which is followed by K.I.M (keep it moving).  Family members receive a bloodline pass by being allowed in my personal space. There are some family members that receive the one word acquaintance answers and K.I.M (keep it moving). And I do put some family members in the 80 liar-20 truth zone; therefore, I don’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. And there are some family members that I trust.  YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND IF I DON’T TRUST YOU! You are a coworker or an acquaintance at best and a thorn in my side at worst. Remember, I start everyone with 100% trust which makes my tolerance level minimal. Everyone is on the same scale and receive the appropriate zone. 

In all fairness to the process. I will not search for information concerning anyone’s character. I personally observe two things which are your words and your deeds (actions). And when they two conflict with each other I tend to trust the deeds. My Lorrieism  is what you do is who you are. What you say is what you hope I believe. For clarity I have a few examples.

  • Saying you are my friend yet talking behind my back. I follow your action because your action is that of an enemy.
  • Saying you love me while expressing no interest in my personal wellbeing. I follow your actions because love cares.
  • Saying you respect my work ethics but give me more work and harder task than the other employees. I follow your actions because respect comes with privileges.

Maintaining 100% trust with me should be simple. I don’t hold anyone to a higher standard than I set for myself. Yet gaining my trust starts with two key elements:

  1. Trust to me is owning the words that come from your mouth. In other words – do what you say! I am not a needy person. I don’t require a lot of time because I enjoy my own company (way too much).  I am not the type of person that ask for money, favors, or any of your personal business. Therefore, owning what you say should be easy. Because I don’t ask you for your words – you volunteer them.  And if I do ask you for something- NO IS ACCEPTABLE. I prefer an upfront no rather than a blindsided lie.

There are exceptions to every situation. When you find out that you can’t keep your word; immediately relay the change in plans, change of heart, or the simple I am not going to be able to do this. Over committing yourself is a forgivable offense. But lying about why you can’t keep your word, ignoring that you made the commitment, and debating that I misunderstood your intent is not acceptable. These acts of deflection chip away at my level of trust in you.  My Lorrieism  is that I am finding that people would rather hide a lie than expose the truth and that is not acceptable.

Owning your words covers major territory with me:

  • Responsibility– when you honor your word and communicate change in a timely manner, I begin to trust you. I feel that you respect not only your time but my time as well. If the commitment is to me; we both have something at stake.
  •  Accountability– owning overcommitment and a possible alternate plan shows me that you made a mistake and is offering a correction of action. It says that you are not brushing me off but genuinely want to perform the task, but perhaps at a different time or day.
  • Consistency– displays effort and deeds (action).  I begin to see you as reliable, because you have shown a habit of doing what you say.
  • Faithful– bonds you to your deeds(actions). Faithful is a characteristic that bleeds over into other areas of your life.

2. Trust to me is owning your character flaws. In other words – Be yourself!  Introducing me to who you would like to be is stressful for everyone involved. It must be stressful to live a fake existence and it’s stressful realizing someone is fake and has wasted my time. We all have problems so be honest. Honesty uncovers all facades and allow you to be free. It also allows me the option to accept or deny you in my personal space. Eliminating the feeling of betrayal resulting in a prompt ending of relationship. Because anything that was established was not formed in truth. Demoting people from my life is not a goal. I want lasting relationships built on trust. I personally feel awful when I discover I can’t trust someone that I have allowed into my personal space. Relationships are freedom based. I want to freely speak, freely love, and genuinely care. That’s not possible without trust.  I will accept your ugly truth and reject your beautiful lies every time.

Trust issues have turned me into a social loner. I am the life of the party, I dance, I smile, and I eat but you can’t have my telephone number, address, or any personal information. When the party is over, we will see each other at the next event. I have no desire to build trust in anyone. Painfully, I am finding that many people don’t know how to trust or deserve trust. I feel personally responsible for everything that I know about my circle. I have a responsibility to keep their personal information. I have a responsibility to care and nurture in bad times and love and support in good ones. And I don’t want to be a confidant and nurturer to a deceitful liar because I seriously doubt, they are reciprocating the trust.

 

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial