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I don’t entertain often, because being a hostess is stressful for me. What makes it stressful is that people don’t know how to be a guest. So, to assist me with the few occasions that I get the nerve up to be a hostess, I have made sure to never tell a guest to make themselves at home. Because I have seen people tell folk to make themselves at home and then talk behind their backs later.

A guest is anyone that crosses the threshold of my premises without contributing to bills, maintenance, and rules that make the environment livable. As a guest, you are expected to make sure you wash your hands every time you enter the kitchen and exit the bathroom. You are expected to stay in the common access areas of my home (the room or rooms used for this function, kitchen and bathroom). If you are unsure about anything going on in my home, ask me or anyone who is not on the guest list.

People get confused. You are a guest. You do not walk through my home as if at an open house sale. You do not open drawers, closets, or bedroom doors as if you are playing a game of hide and seek. You do not bounce from chair to chair as if you are playing a game of musical chairs. You walk into the designated room for the function (keeping purse, wallet, spouse, and kids with you), find a comfortable chair (with one relocation upon deciding the seat is uncomfortable), you sit your behind down and that’s your spot until you leave.

Now, you may eat and drink all that is served. You can do anything socially acceptable within the confines of the space you now occupy. Take your shoes off, put your feet on the couch, use the comfortable throws to adjust the temperature for your body, use the socks I will gladly provide for your feet, and take a nap if you desire.

There will be a designated legal substance smoking area provided outside. I will allow no one to leave my home intoxicated (providing transportation or shelter if needed) and please make sure that you take home any leftovers available. But you do not live here, you are a guest, and I’d appreciate if you act like one… please and thank you.