Category: Lorrieism

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Domestic Violence Zoom Meeting

 

I attended a Mary Kay zoom discussion featuring levels of support the organization provides to the Domestic Violence Campaign. A guest speaker shared her personal experience with domestic violence, and how the Mary Kay sisterhood assisted by relocating her from dangerous living. It was a powerful, tear-jerking, candid reenactment of the ugly face of domestic violence. Although she and her children did not suffer physical abuse, the damage to her self-esteem was severe. My heart ached as memories of domestic violence resurfaced.

I too am a survivor of domestic violence and would like to share 3 things that I was reminded of during the discussion:

  • Domestic violence isn’t only about physical assault. It’s the manipulation, destruction of self-esteem and character that do more damage than the physical assault. Narcissistic behaviors reduce the victim from being the most beautiful, smart, and powerful person in the world; to being ugly, dumb, and weak. Sadly, in the mind of many abusers, the victim is complete, and they are not. Therefore, their jealousy turns the victim from a beloved source of enjoyment to an enemy. The characteristics that attracted them to the victim, become the characteristics they try to emulate; but when their emulation efforts are unsuccessful, they attack and destroy the victim.

 

  • Domestic violence abusers have a cycle. The abuser epitomizes Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Going from nice to nasty, supportive to discouraging, complimenting to criticizing, engaging to distant, aroused sexually to uninterested, and lovingly to violent. Not an occasional fight type of violence, but sadistic violence of social isolation, forced sleep deprivation, never-ending verbal lashings, and unprovoked beatings. It starts with the honeymoon phase of good times, then verbal attacks and dismay, and then a vicious physical assault. Back to the honeymoon with fake guilt, apologies, and promises of recommitted love. Once the cycle starts there is no going back to Dr. Jekyll, and each spin through the cycle is worse than the last. Because once Mr. Hyde appears there’s no concealing him again. And the victim must decide to leave the relationship or stay in a vicious cycle of abuse that could lead to death.

 

  • Never confront a domestic violence victim. For safety reasons, the victim is trying to hide the abuse. If you want to help a victim, send subliminal messages. Remind them of how beautiful and powerful they are. And say things like, “If you ever need anything, let me know because I am here for you.” As a survivor, I can tell you firsthand they are embarrassed, ashamed, and fearful for their life. Weakened by the abuser, they must gain inner strength and become mentally prepared to leave. They’ve been manipulated, character assassinated, and many times beat. Therefore, not able to withstand a fight, harsh words, or lectures of their incompetence from anyone. So be careful in your approach.

But if they confide in you educate and devise a plan. Learn the local laws concerning domestic violence, locate the closet shelter, and prepare a safe place for relocation. Walking away from their abuser will be the scariest thing the victim has ever done, and fearfully hiding will be the next. Keep in mind that relocation will have to be a swift move and there is a threat of imminent danger to the victim and you.

In conclusion, Domestic violence is real. I am not trying to discourage anyone from assisting a domestic violence victim, but when getting involved know this is a serious matter. The victim is scared, the abuser is violent, and quick movement is needed. The victim will need resources, counseling, and a loving support system to assist in recovery. But recovery is possible, the proof is the zoom speaker and the fact that I can share this message with you.

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Childless Nurturer

Love is not the first thing I think of when reflecting on my childhood. As a teenager, I became a foster child. I suffered years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. I lived in survival mode, and I must admit love was learned later. Survival mode + love = tough love. And tough love does not disqualify me as a nurturer.

When I decided to not become a parent, I was instantly attacked for my decision. I was told that it was my duty as a woman to give birth, and it was inhumane of me to lack the desire for children. I began to doubt my worth as a woman. I was unfairly labeled as non-nurturing. And almost convinced that being childless would render me unable to sympathize or have compassion for others. After evaluating my character, I have rejected these false claims.

Things that qualify me as a nurturer:

  • I care for others. I want everyone to win, prosper, and succeed. My heart’s desire is for everyone to be the best them possible. But I will not carry the problems, responsibilities, or life of another human.  I feel each person is responsible for their own life choices and happiness. My Lorrieism is the Quicksand Approach. I suggest that individuals move through life at a steady pace. When you feel like your feet are slipping (caught in quicksand), fall backwards.Falling backwards will allow you to free yourself and fully recover. If you are standing and  sinking, make slow steady moves backwards while raising your hands. Do not struggle in one place because you will get stuck. And as a last resort float, breathe, and see your way to safety. If your hands are up, I will throw you a lifeline, give advice, and assist you out of situations.

 

  • I am an encourager. Encouragement is powerful.It provokes others to commit, take a stance, and move towards a decision. I welcome the mission of encouraging others with words of affirmation, and kind deeds. Far too often we think of encouragers from a positive perspective; but encouragement also has a negative side. When encouraging, I do not partake in pity parties, self-blame, or enable failure. The tough lover in me will confront to the point of anger. But when a goal is achieved, I will be right there to celebrate.

 

  • I am compassionate. I am no stranger to suffering. Honestly, I am more familiar with suffering and surviving than love. I recognize hidden pain, and long for broken people to become whole. But I am not drawn in by sob stories with no suggested solutions. I will not be emotionally lured in and drained by dead end situations. I am strong! And I will assist with looking beyond the failures of life towards overcoming. But if you simply want a listening ear, you must talk to someone else.

 

  • I am a giver. Solicitors dream of me. I give from my heart, and it is a joy. Although I give, it is not merely because I was asked; it is because I recognize a need. I am not a bank, and my money does not grow on trees- I earn it.  Being that I earn it, I also choose how to disperse it. I will not repeatedly supply the needs of others. And I do not support luxuries. Luxuries are extras, and  if you cannot maintain the lifestyle desired financial adjustments and/or discipline is needed.

 

  • I forgive. My heart has been broken, and I have been disappointed. Yet, I choose to live in forgiveness. I have learned that an unforgiving heart causes personal affliction and self- destruction. Although I forgive, I will end a toxic relationship. My Lorrieism is that forgiveness is detaching from a toxic relationship by attaching to freedom.

I have never cared for what others think of me, but I almost sipped the poison about not being a nurturer. Choosing not to parent did not disqualify as nurturer, it provided me other avenues of nurturing. I am a strong, surviving, loving woman who refuses to be labeled by people who do not understand my heart or identify with my character.

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To Be Or Not To Be A Godparent

Confession: I was asked to be a godparent when I was in my teens and I agreed. I had no idea about the concept of becoming a godparent. So, immediately I began shopping. My goddaughter was supplied with milk, pampers and outfits galore. Then reality hit! I left for college, her mom moved to Atlanta, we loss contact, and I was no longer an active godparent. But I learned a valuable lesson. I learned not to make uninformed, uncommitted, lighthearted promises/vows.

Since my failed attempt, I have been honored with many requests to become a godparent and declined most. But I have accepted two requests. One is from a coworker who I entertained throughout her pregnancy. She was the happiest pregnant woman I’ve ever met. She was in her 30’s, this was her firstborn, and she was overjoyed with the idea of being a mom. I was suffering from health complications that were hindering pregnancy and I enjoyed her excitement. I enjoyed it so much that I began adding to it. I would tell her corny jokes, do the MC Hammer dance (at 420 lbs.), supply her favorite snacks, and asked about the baby every time our paths crossed. Although nice to her, I was very surprised when asked me to be a godparent. She had a best friend, close friends in the workplace, and we became closely acquainted during her pregnancy. I declined but she persisted. To the point of demanding I reconsider. But then she wowed me by expressing her main reasons for desiring me to be her child’s godparent. The reasonings were my commitment to the unborn child and my spirituality. Overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness I agreed.

My third goddaughter asked me. You read that correctly. I became a godparent at the request of the godchild. She was about 16 years old. I was trusted and friends with her mother. Her other siblings had godparents and she desired one as well. Again, I tried to decline but was met with great resistance. I carefully reconsidered the offer, consulted her mother, and accepted. Somehow her siblings (who had godparents) now call me their godparent as well. And I have the luxury of being GiGi to two great godchildren and counting. (I have learned better how to decline and stick to my no… so don’t ask… lol.)

Disclaimer: The following information is subject to change depending on denomination, religious beliefs, and religious rituals. Although this topic can be debated, it is thought provoking information.

Qualifications of a Godparent:

It’s clear to me that God is in the word godparent, therefore spirituality should be part of the selection process.

  • A godparent is present at the christening/sprinkling/baptism ceremony for the child.
  • A godparent should themselves be baptized. A spiritual guide must be spiritually guided.
  • A godparent is expected to make an affirmation of faith at the christening to be a spiritual presence.

Gifts, visits, and support are all appreciated. But the role of godparent is to be a spiritual presence in the child life. How this spiritual presence is achieved depends on the parents, child, and godparent. I prayed for my second goddaughter more before birth and relinquished a great deal of the responsibility back to her mother afterbirth.  Her mother was mature, and I was concerned about the pregnancy and delivery.  My third goddaughter was practically an adult so my prayers for her were geared towards her transitioning from teen to young adult.

Guide for selecting a Godparent:

  • Review the Godparent guidelines for your faith of choice and choose accordingly.
  • Be mindful of your faith-based lifestyle and choose someone compatible with your current beliefs. Choosing a godparent with an extremely different set of beliefs may cause confusion for the child.
  • Choose a reliable godparent that will honor their godparent duties regardless of the condition of your personal friendship.
  • Make the best selection for your child. This means best friends, close family, and church leaders may not be chosen.

Guide for accepting the role of a Godparent:

  • Make sure you are qualified to be a Godparent. Review the guidelines for the faith of the child and accept or decline accordingly.
  • Know the faith-based desires of the parents and acknowledge that you will follow their desires even if they are different from yours.
  • Declining a godparent request is acceptable. It is better to decline than to abandon the position.

All involved should be mindful that the spiritual needs of the child change as they age.  Godparents will need to transition along with the child. Being a godparent is a promise/vow and should not be a lighthearted decision. Careful consideration must be applied when choosing a godparent and accepting the godparent position.

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We Care

Ask anyone that truly knows me, and they will speak of my supporting nature. Back hurting and numb behind, I will sit on a bleacher for a sport, graduation, concert, cheerleading competition, and any other event my presence is requested. I will walk/march, fundraise, and attend a charitable event; let me know and I will be there. At baby showers, birthday parties, and special occasion dinners, I will not only attend the event; but I come early to assist in decorating and leave late to disassemble. I will sit in hospitals or homes when you are sick. When there’s a death in the family, I will be there every day to clean, cook, assist with the flow of visiting traffic, and funeral arrangements if needed. I make myself available to assist others with nothing more than a request for my presence. I do it because I care.

All this to say, I attended an event for someone dear. During the closing remarks the honoree became emotional. A heartfelt expression of gratitude and a disclosure of personal health challenges accompanied with bouts of depression was shared. This person has been extremely supportive to many, and it shocked me to know they have suffered alone. What started as a celebration of life turned into a plea for sustained life. The extremely supportive person expressed the need of care- not financial or medical, but emotional. A caring heart that has willing sacrificed themselves asked for a reciprocation of support and encouragement during a hard season of life. We were moved to tears, showed love, compassion, and pledged our support.

Leaving the event, I began to soul search. I care but assume that others will contact me when I am needed. Obviously not. Now there are those that will call me up and say, “put me on your calendar.” But like myself, there are those who live to serve others and are unwilling to voice their personal need. When you are constantly supporting others, you deceive yourself into thinking there is no one to support you. But that is not the truth! We all are in this together. Supporting, loving, and encouraging each other through good and bad times. It’s up to each person to acknowledge and make a request for their need. And although this sounds good and look good on paper, I will not follow my own advice. Concluding that other diehard supporters will not as well.

Why? I can’t speak for other supporters, but my issue is childhood rejection. I had a miserable childhood. Rejection, poverty, and no concept of self-worth created the supporter in me. I know how it feels to win an award at school and have no family members in the audience. I also know how it feel not to be able to attend the event, receive it in class, and everyone laugh. Because they know your family doesn’t have a car; therefore, you couldn’t make it to the ceremony. I have performed to an audience of strangers, won awards and accolades that my family had no idea existed.  I’ve had no visit hospitalizations and moments where I desired companionship. Long story short, I attend events because I care. But I also attend because I am very familiar with the heartbreak of sharing success, failures, and other memorable moments with a group of strangers or alone. And I know that a million strangers may extend well intended congratulations, compassion, or condolences; but it does not compare to the support of a familiar face.

So, I am not going to wait for a call. I am going to extend a listening ear, assistance, and care to supporters. I will offer a safe environment to be vulnerable. Interrupt their support of others with a request for lunch, dinner, or a walk in the park. Invite them to rest, refresh, and unburden themselves. Supporters (for whatever reason) only know how to give support and are not good at receiving; but I will extend the offer.  So, what’s the takeaway. We must not forget to care for the ones that care for others, because they probably won’t ask.

 

 

 

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