Behavior Archives

May 16, 2021May 17, 2021

Stop Saying Things in Anger That You Do Not Mean

A conversation can quickly go from bad to worse. At the onset of a confrontation stop talking, refocus on the topic, and if the conversation continues resume with mindful words. Confrontation is part of life, but angry outbursts are unacceptable. They are destructive words that can ruin relationships. The best way to deal with angry outbursts is to avoid them. Three ways to avoid angry outbursts are to recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat.

Recognize your triggers: There are words, body language, and tones that quickly escalate a conversation from calm to confrontational to an angry outburst. Do not allow this to happen by controlling the tone and preparing for an escape if the conversation escalates. If the person you are speaking with becomes agitated remain focused on the task. Do not be lured into an angry outburst because it becomes a war of words rather than a meaningful conversation.
Confront lovingly: Before conversing think of how you would feel if the subject matter were presented to you. If it is a conversation with highly sensitive content be extremely selective with words. Avoid placing blame, offensive words, and the use of false content. Sensitive issues can be resolved without an angry outburst when handled with care.
Retreat: When the conversation shifts from confrontational to angry outburst there is no need to continue. If possible, state that the conversation is out of control and suggest walking away. But if you are engrossed in the outbursts deescalate the situation by becoming quiet. If the other participant continues with outbursts remove yourself. Apologize if you must but leave. After calming down think of a positive way to continue the conversation or accept there is no resolution. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best resolve.

The penalties of angry outbursts:

Angry words released from your mouth cannot be retracted. They receive energy from hidden places in the heart where pain, deceit, and misconceptions await the opportunity to display themselves. Control yourself when the conversation shifts to confrontational and prevent the irrevocable angry outburst.
Angry words can cause permanent damage to relationships. It does not matter who starts the mud-slinging the words are damaging. The words are hurtful and often intentional. Recovery is possible but both parties will have to own their words and apologize. Time can heal the relationship, but only when there are no repeated outbursts.
An uncontrolled mind has ways of retrieving painful thoughts. A song, place, or feeling can replay the scene and delay healing. When healing from an angry outburst do not ponder on the event by replacing the bad memories with good.
After an angry outburst one’s character can become tainted. It is one thing to think of someone’s potential to tongue-lash but another thing to be on the receiving end of the tongue-lashing. Even when both parties contribute each seems to devalue the other. It is human nature to look past personal flaws while focusing on the flaws of others but continuing in good character can diminish the tainted opinion.

In conclusion, stop saying things in anger that you do not mean. It damages relationships, alters how the person feels about you, and the words can never be retracted. The best thing to do is recognize your triggers, confront lovingly, and retreat. Although confrontation is inevitable consider the costs and exclude any conversation unlikely to be resolved.

April 18, 2021

Stop Pretending It Does Not Hurt

If you are retelling a painful story from your childhood, and can reenact every word, move, and scene it bothered you. Not only did it bother you, but you are wounded and possibly haunted by it. And the only way to get over the pain is to stop pretending it does not hurt and find a way to let it go.

Painful events happen and some create memories; but with time you eventually forget many of the events. Sometimes you may forget what lead up to the event, and sometimes what happened after the event. There are times you forget the place, and the people except the main partakers of the event. Because with time you healed, blocked out the event, or simply chose not to relive the event.

Unfortunately, reenactments of a painful event give it new life. Each revisit widens the wound, pierces the heart, and stops healing. Do not misunderstand me pain is part of life; but remembering pain from prior events is a sign of a damaged heart. A heart that needs to be healed.

DISCLAIMER! I AM NOT A LICENSED PSYCHIATRIST. BUT I AM A PERSON WHOSE HAD A WOUNDED HEART.

When coming to terms about the condition of your heart there are a few questions that you must ask yourself.

1) Who hurt you? Why?

Identifying the source of pain makes you own the fact that you have been hurt. Many people in pain tend to deny the pain which eliminates the possibility for healing. You do not take a pain reliever when you have no headache; you take a pain reliever for the pain.
Once you identify the source of pain. Ask yourself why it is painful. This will not feel well. But it will identify the root cause of your pain. Uncovering the root of the pain, allows you to examine your feelings. There is an underlying reason why a past event lives in your present. You must connect with the root cause because it must be eliminated by dismissing, confronting, or releasing yourself from the event.
This may be something that you can do alone, but if not seek expert help. You deserve an end to the hurt.

2) Do you blame yourself for any of the event?

Not in every case, but sometimes there is a wound because we blame ourselves for our participation in the event. Placing some of the blame on yourself makes it harder heal. No one wants to think they assisted in hurting themselves, but it is an awesome discovery that may help move towards healing. By either realizing that you have placed the blame on yourself incorrectly, or by allowing you to forgive yourself and move on.

3) Was the event ever resolved? And if the resolution pleased you.

If you have never confronted the issue, the wound may be because of the neglect of having a resolution. Take the appropriate steps to move beyond this issue.
A misunderstanding or misinterpretation may be resolved with a conversation.
Blatant offenses should be confronted. Preferably as they happen, but sometimes you are not ready to handle the issue right away. Do not delay any longer. The issue has festered in your heart long enough.
Then there are times when the issue appeared to be resolved, but you were not pleased with the resolution. Neglecting to confess displeasure has caused a deeper issue of self- inflicted torment. The assistance of a professional may be needed if you are unable to release the issue.

4) Will it help to discuss the event with the participants or is there a chance the discussion would bring about further injury?

Knowing the person who caused the injury will help determine the way to approach this question. Because if the person is hard to talk too, a liar, or will never accept the fact that they hurt you. Do not waste your time. It is not worth the risk of additional injury.
But if the person is easy to talk too, you may receive the closure needed by explanation, apology, or acknowledgement of the pain caused.

Personal Encounter

I was an abused child, placed in foster care at 13, and aged out of the system at twenty one. Twenty one because I attended college; had I not attended college I would have aged out at 18. Needless, to say I am no stranger to pain. As an adult I decided to reconnect with my biological mother who caused some childhood pain. One day we were talking, and I began to share with her a painful memory that she caused. Listening to my story, her face went from shocked, to confused, and finally pain.

It was obvious to me that she did not recall this horrible event that I was bringing to her attention. I began to get angry because I could not believe she could forget such a heinous act. And then it dawned on me, that she was an addict back then and confronting my pain was bringing her to a place of pain in her sober state. Creating two wounded hearts instead of one. Ashamed of myself, I sat in silence, composed myself, and from that moment on never mentioned any of the events to her again.

Realizing that although she hurt me; she somehow was able to forget but I did not. And no matter how true, valid, or traumatic the event; I had to let it go. Not for her but for me. All the years of carrying the painful memories had accomplished me nothing. Carrying a burden placed on me by someone who did not even recall the event. And my one attempt to voice my pain was interrupted by her lack of recall of the event.

It was time for me to forgive her and let the memories go. I did not have to deny the validity nor pretend that it did not hurt me. But reliving the event was preventing me from moving beyond it. Wounds are a sign of fresh injury. But wounds should eventually turn into scars, and scars are a sign of healing. The first step is to stop pretending it does not hurt and then you can heal.

March 21, 2021April 3, 2021

“If You Do Not Want Me; Let Me Go” Is Admittance of Abuse

“If you don’t want me; let me go.” This is a term used in abusive relationships. It states that the abused feels powerless and unable to walk away from the abuser. Therefore, pleading for the abuser to spare them the agony of facing their own personal demise by leaving them. Allowing the abused to emotionally detach themselves from their role of enabling their own abuse (by actively participating in a dead-end relationship). They become the abandoned love one instead of the person seeking love from someone who refused to love them properly. But often the plea falls on deaf ears. Why?

The abused is a benefit to the abuser. The abused is a source of stability, moral, and financial support. Because the abused is generally a good person, have a good heart, good intentions towards the abuser, faithful, loyal, and entered the relationship showing and hoping to receive love. Before the abuser arrived, the abused focused on themselves and strived towards personal goals. This drive to succeed is what attracted the abuser. You see, the abused is not the problem. The problem is the abuser. The abuser is not worthy of what the abused add to their life. Truth be told, the abuser is happy! Masked by compliments and gifts (that quickly end) the abuser weaseled their way into the heart of the abused. They deceitfully manipulated the abused to upgrade themselves. Gaining status, wealth, and material goods from the hands of the abused.
The abused is manipulated into pledging to never leave. Abusers often make themselves the victim. Sob stories about family and past relationships lure the abused into vowing to never leave the abuser. But in reality the abuser is manipulative, self-satisfying, express degrading behaviors, and people leave them to save themselves. When the mask has been removed. Now, the abused realize the vow to never leave a person that only intends to destroy them is a mistake. Lured into accepting abuse for the sake of honoring their pledge. Trapped in a vicious cycle of being abused while trying effortlessly to prove they are worthy of love. Staying in a relationship that will destroy the very essence of them.
The abused is used and discarded. The abuser no longer uses manipulation but full abuse. Masterfully stripping away the abused confidence, self-awareness, self-care, and self-esteem. Shifting the abused attention from themselves to the abuser. The abuser no longer hides their true intent, their lack of respect, and their contempt towards the abused. Once the abused is a shell of their former selves, the abuser admits no attraction or care for the diminished version of the person they created. But will torture and torment for the sheer pleasure of it. Only to declare GAME OVER and discard the abused for a new victim. So, the abuser will let eventually let you go; but not until they render you useless for their purposes.

There is good news! If you do not want me; let me go statements can be prevented. Abusers hate independence, inner strength, and strong qualities therefore never release these qualities. Do not allow an abuser to isolate you from friends and family or destroy your independence. Establish clear boundaries, and once the boundaries are disrespected end the relationship. Never make vows to never leave a relationship; but express a desire to stay acknowledging ties can be severed by ill willed actions and deeds. Remain true to yourself while being a good partner in a relationship. No one should ever be expected to lose themselves in a relationship; a healthy relationship helps discover new levels of you. A good partner accepts your difference and encourages your growth. Recognizes that combining their strength with your strength the two becomes a power couple.

Never ignore the red flags. Does the words and character of the person match? If you meet a person with no personal relationships, family, friends, or coworkers that can vouch for their character; it is probably because no one wants to be around them. Abusers can only hide their true feelings for a short time. They may avoid being around you on a consistent basis for fear of exposure. Allow the relationship time to develop and expose personality flaws. Abuse is real and destructive. Watch out for the wolves in sheep clothing! Do not become fascinated with the thought of love to the point of being manipulated into abuse. You are worthy of real love! Be careful and take care of you. And once you feel like saying “If you do not want me; let me go.” LEAVE!

March 7, 2021April 3, 2021

I Do Not Care What “They” Said

I have a pet peeve that I have not been able outgrow. It is any statement that starts with “they” said. As a child, my daughter used the statement when asking for permission to go out with friend, “They said to ask if I could_______”. I put a blank because I have no clue what else was stated. “They” said would void the entire sentence. I explained to my daughter how much I detest the statement. I even told her to be direct with her request. But she insisted on “they” said, so the answer became no to everything with “they” said in the sentence. But she was a child, deflecting her desires into “they” said hoping I would say yes. With adults the pet peeve worsened. Coworkers that “they” said me would be met with strong unforgettable words. Associates that “they” said me would be ignored as if a child and never became a friend. Family that “they” said me would be warned of my distaste, then ignored, and finally met with strong unforgettable words. And my inner circle knew that I did not care what “they” said and avoided the statement. So why do I deplore “they” said you might ask?

““They” said is a cowardly expression. Anyone who knows me, know that I am not going to throw a rock and hide my hand. I am bold enough to throw the rock, stand there with another, and throw it as well. “They” is hiding their identity. If you have anything worth saying, own it. People who make bold statements need to be identified. My Lorrieism is if you cannot stand by what you speak, you cannot stand for anything. And why be so bold to make a statement then shrug away from rebuttal or consequences. If you are weak at heart maybe silence should be the preferred stance.
“They” are irrelevant. So, an unidentified person or persons is speaking into people lives or about peoples lives and others should care. I will not, shall not, do not care what “they” said about anything. Many are gossiping, full of drama, bearers of foolishness. It is pathetic to speak about others business when you can speak on your own. Or is that the problem! “They” do not have any business worth discussing of their own. Spewing vile comments about others because the gossip of someone else is better than their reality. Surely igniting false opinions and illuminating flaws of others can not bring joy. Or does it?
“They” facts are over exaggerated and often completely false. (With the exception of a group of men, who do not qualify as “they”. Men are often telling the truth but leaving out the names of the people standing there. Another exception is an Associate that never became a friend. Because they never gained enough trust to be a member of your inner circle. I digress.) The point is “they” do not know you. “They” are making superficial or erroneous statements with little to no credibility. My Lorrieism is a statement void of fact is fake news that can be demolished with good character.

And even worse than “they” said is the person who tries to relay to me what “they” said. When addressing this person, I question, “Why do “they” feel so comfortable discussing me with you?” Are you a member of “they” said? Are you one who enjoy the drama filled foolishness? Are you bold enough to have a face- to- face conversation about false accusations with me? Then I state, “They need a life, relevancy, and facts before consider speaking about me. And “they” are probably discussing your foolishness as we speak, because “they” are not loyal”. Then I offer a small bit of advice, “They need to spend time cleaning up their mess instead of creating mess for others”. My final response leading up to strong unforgettable words is, “If “they” said all of this, what do you say?” This abruptly ends the “they” said conversation.

November 16, 2020April 3, 2021

Best Whipping Ever

I had an old school grandma. Belts weren’t plentiful in our house, we lived in the country, and there were plenty of trees. So, switches were the handiest tool for discipline. For those new to the concept of switches. Switches are the devil. They vary in sizes and lengths. They are smaller branches of a tree and they have a short life once removed from the tree; but the short life is lethal. When waved in the air, they slice the air making sounds. There’s a stingy sensation when they strike your skin. Some are so flexible that whatever is struck gets wrapped around (probably why whipping is the name of the event). Trust me they are awful but effective. Show a country child a switch -minds, behaviors, and attitudes change. (I digressed but this is pertinent information).

Now, I was the first grandchild, niece, great-grandchild, great-niece; and then five years later my nemesis was born. My grandma’s first nephew and the Taurus feud began. In the old days we had what was called a home place. For us it was the property my great grandparents purchased, and when they died my grandma became the Matriarch. She lived in the house practically her entire life. And she welcomed a constant flow of her siblings with families, her children, and anyone else who needed a place to call home. Therefore, every Summer my nemesis would surely arrive. And we fought all Summer long.

My nemesis was the devil. Okay, maybe not the devil but surely a thorn in my side. One day nemesis rolled down the stairs, jumps up and runs across the yard screaming bloody murder. My grandma ran to nemesis rescue. She returned to the house extremely angry with me. Nemesis had concocted a wild story that ended with me first pleading for my life, losing my plea, and receiving several lashes with a switch. While nemesis laughed. I was not happy!

I was so unhappy that I spotted nemesis at the top of the steps on another day and pushed. (I need to explain these stairs. These were concrete stairs. Nothing like the forgiving, I can bend a little under your weight, wood stairs. These stairs were solid. Solid enough that after years of injuries, they were destroyed, and replaced with wood.) There nemesis laid at the bottom of the stairs, back scarred, bloody, screaming yet motionless. Grandma ran to the rescue, escorted nemesis in the house, bandaged, and placed nemesis in the bed. And I received more lashes with the switch. We both were crying this time.

By now you are saying, WRONG TITLE. But it’s the correct title. Before my second encounter with the switch. My grandma explained that she understood my angry with the first event, because nemesis confessed to lying. But I injured nemesis and she could not allow me to go unpunished. She was bothered by her decision to punish and told her I understood. I promised her that I had always and would always tell her the truth; and she promised to listen. It was the best whipping ever because it established a bond between my grandma and me. She also never whipped me again!

(By the way, nemesis is still a thorn in my side. We finally outgrew fighting each other and switched to terrorizing others… lol.)

Category: Behavior